My hearts truth

"God give me strength.
When the phone doesn't ring
and I'm lost in imagining
everything that kind of love is worth
as I tumble back down to the earth"-Bette Middler



I have made a record amount of horrible decisions in my life. I've hurt feelings, broken hearts, lied, yelled when I should have been calm, been flighty when I should have stayed, been cruel to guard my own feelings, been jealous, been rude to hide my emotions, been mean for no good reason, been lazy when I should have been proactive, and been guarded when I should have been open.

I'm grateful for the days that God gives me to realize these mistakes. As much as you don't think so, I do look in the mirror everyday. Every night I pray to be a better person. Some days I am, but some days I'm not the outstanding human being I would love to be. I am wrong, alot. I am difficult, stubborn, and opinionated. It's hard to make me flinch, but easy to make me cry if you know me well enough. I am not an innocent person who does nothing wrong. I am quick to argue when I think I am right. I do admit fault, but there are times when I avoid it.

I'm sorry if you are negatively affected by me. I'm sorry that I am not the person you want me to be. And I'm sorry that I lost that special place that used to be in your heart. Truth is, I can't change who I am. I can only try to be a better person; try to be all the things that you want me to be. I'm sorry if that isn't enough for you. I have given my all. It's a slow process, but I am speeding through as it is.

What I'm trying to say is; I'm sorry I failed. I would rather die than hear one more hateful word from you. Please spare me. I truly can't take it anymore. Maybe one day things will be the way that they are supposed to. Maybe you pushing me away will bring us back together. Maybe I should just sit and wait. Maybe I should do nothing. Maybe I should continue to try. Maybe I should, maybe I should, maybe I should...ask you to see. Maybe you won't want to. Maybe I should stop giving myself hope. I don't think you want me to have it anymore.

I'm sorry. I deserve all the hurt.