Lesbian Guide by popular demand

About a year ago I had friends come to me and ask about Lesbianism 101. Many were male friends who have had trouble communicating with women. I think as lesbians we have the upper communicational hand. (although we typically give out too much information.) This is just one topic that I will be touching on. Stay tuned. I have much to learn, and even more to teach.

Introduction: First impressions are not everything, but for most of us, it's all we have.

Before leaving home: Be sure that you have the right apparell on. If you are going to a jazz club, holey jeans and a t-shirt are out of the question. Make sure you not only look good, but you smell amazing. A good cologne/perfume really does make a difference. It is also a great conversation starter. If she likes your cologne she is likely to compliment you. If you are driving, make sure your car is trash free, and smelling good. A woman does not like sitting on stacks of old t-shirts, and stepping on 4 weeks of mail and a bologna sandwich just to get into your hooptey.

Greeting: Keep in mind, that often times we have one shot. Be careful to not let pressure make you appear timid. Women love confidence. It's a make or break kind of thing. When meeting someone new it is VERY important to keep your head held high, look her right in the eyes, smile softly, and speak CLEARLY. No one likes having to guess what your name is, or even worse having to ask for it again later on in the night. If you shake her hand, hold it lightly, and shake gently. No need to grip her tight so she thinks you're just a creep, and trying to play grabby @$$.

Getting to know her: Social events or clubs are the easiest to get to know someone without a ton of pressure. Get a table in the back. And away from speakers to avoid her not being able to hear anything that's going on.

Talking: It is very important to put on some manners as well as a jovial attitude. It's ok if you aren't the life of the party, but you better be "in" with the party. It's good to make the people around you laugh. No inappropriate/racist/fart/gossip related jokes. Those jokes have the ability to make anyone appear to be ill educated, ignorant, and wrapped up in everyone's life. That is a complete turn off. Please Refrain. It is good to make a joke, then leave the table for a short time. It leaves mystery, and if she was laughing she is waiting for more. Offer to buy her a drink before leaving the table. Leave everyone laughing, and have her attention on you and you alone. When you do this, lean close to her (almost as if you are telling her a secret in her ear) and ask if she would like a drink. (If she is slightly interested she will take you up on it.) Don't wait for the waitress. No need for her to be parched because you're lazy. This will also give her time to think if you are worth it. Don't forget to excuse yourself from the table.

IF YOU TANK, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE UP. TRY ONCE MORE

Body Language and Touching: It is very important to NOT touch unless touched first.

Body Language: It's perfectly acceptable to want to get to know your "date" on a physical level. This cannot be rushed. She may hardly know you. Touching her too soon could lead to her thinking that is your only focus. Hopefully you have some funny anecdotes. If she is laughing, and really enjoys your company she will do 1 of 2 things. She will either brush your shoulder lightly to show endearment, touch your knee, or laugh so hard she can't take her eyes off you. So make sure your clothes do not have cheeto remnants on them, and that you have nothing in your teeth. If your table wants to dance, always offer to accompany her. If she declines, ask to keep her company. If she wants to dance, take her. Although be sure that only 85% of your focus is on her. It's ok to go to the bar for a refill, or chat with your friends. Showing her to much attention could lead her finding you clingy.

One on One: Coversation is often hard to do. Let me show you the way.

Personal conversation: This is where you will get to know each other. Of course she will learn some things about you while at a social event, but if she gives you the inclination she wants more...then let her have it. Although be sure to never flood with to much vital information. It's good to answer her questions instead of freely giving random bits of information about your neighbors dog. Beware of word vomit. It is very easy to achieve. Make sure when you are asking questions they aren't to personal. Nothing about marriage, children, lifelong goals. This is an initial meeting. If you mix well together, you will find all the details in due time. No need to rush. This a marathon. Not the tortoise race. Keep your questions simple. Are they involved with anyone? Favorite food? Drink? Place to relax? Occupation? No need to ask about what they thought of the Notebook. It's a can that does not need to be opened, and there aren't enough tissues that you can hold in your pockets.

IF YOU TANK, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE UP. TRY ONCE MORE.

Leaving for the night: Saying good night

Goodnight: Assuming that your night goes wonderfully you will have to say goodbye at some point. Majority of the time you will not be the one taking her home. She probably came with a friend, and would never leave her behind. Be polite. Thank her for the evening, and give her your number. If she gives you hers, great. Never ask for hers. It makes you look desperate. She will already know that you are interested if you give her your number, so don't worry about her not getting that vibe from you. If she doesn't call, no big deal. Give it a chance to marinate, and if it doesn't reach that point then move on. If you see her again in the same club consider her an aquaintance. Never ignore her, but never ask why she didn't call. If she forgot about it, your presence will certainly remind her. And remember. No sex on the first date. If she's that into you, it will leave for much mystery.