Dear Lord

I'm in a bind. You know that too. I don't know what to do. I know that I need to trust that everything will be ok. I just worry that I cn't control it. Quanna told me today. You are in control even when I think that I am. I see that. I know that. Please show the way. I've made mistakes trying to please someone who didnt deserve me, and now. I might be in trouble. Big trouble. Please. Help me Jesus.

Phoenix Home or Business Cleaning Service

Yes. This is my website. Please let me know if you need any services done for your home or business. :)
www.Winkand Clean.com

www.Winkand Clean.com

I feel sad for you.

        
That you were only real on paper. And the internet.

Not that it affected me, because in reality your fakeness did me a favor.
Thank you for Lying to me, Making me feel worthless, Making me feel ugly, Making me feel incapable, Making me feel the need to constantly give and never receive, Making me see that money was the only thing that kept you happy with me, Making up lies to other women so they would feel sorry for you, Thank you for flirting with other females when we were together, thank you for sexting other women, thank you for making me out to be a monster, thank you for making me feel like I was the problem, Thank you for separating me from everyone who loved me, Thank you for being jealous about EVERY SINGLE female in my life, Thank you for forcing me to come out to my Father when I told you for 3 years it was up to me, Thank you for every time you dumped water, soda, and iced tea all over me because I wouldn’t give you your way, Thank you for the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse, oh and Thank you for trying to pay your bills with my credit card.

Thanks to you, I guarded myself. I met a lot of crazy girls who did a lot of crazy things for me. And when the smoke cleared; I found myself.

Thank you. Without you trying to ruin me, I never would have found  me.

Hurricane Sandy

Isn't it crazy how things happen? I mean the weather is just absolutely nuts. Even though we don't see the weather down here in the Southwest doesn't mean that we don't have our very own storms at home. I have 2 friends who are extremely close to my heart. They are family to me in every light. They have been going through a whirlwind of emotions and heartache due to infertility. It has been an amazing thing to watch this couple go through so much yet be the strong and courageous people that they are right now. Quita and Inez have decided to reach out to the blogging world for support. I would like to share some of their story by giving you their URL to their blog.

Please check them out. Any support given is appreciated and loved.

 The Chiquita and Inez Journey

Google my name

There is entirely too much information that comes us. Everything from my job to social networking profiles, to old modeling information. I haven't modeled in YEARS. AND it was one time. And, I'm really not that cute. I think Maisha (the owner) had a mini crush on me. That's likely it.  Google is a trip though. Images from way back. Some mildly embarrasing. Some I would not like to recollect...but hey. Thanks google for keeping track of my whole online life.  Someone telling you that they googled is weird and cool at the same time though. It's we-ool. That is called a 'portmanteau' which is a combination of two words to make one word. It's like word intercourse. I didn't have to look up the meaning of portmanteau because I was in 'gifted' classes in high school and was forced to learn and use new vocabulary. I am also known as a nerd. Sometimes a sexy nerd, but you can just call me "Lou." Kthanksbye

Halllllllla

Taurus Horoscope

Here I go

She has changed me. I have changed her.

It's beautiful. Or is it?

My horoscope for today

"The Eight of Pentacles card suggests that you might feel ready to take things to the next level, but you need to find your groove or be prepared to put your all into whatever material, financial, sexual or other labor of love you are working on. Send love notes, stick with what or who you know and take a hands-on approach to self-expression. Prepare to put your time and focus into streamlining the final details of this matter. Add your own personal touches, for it may be part of a lasting mark. Line up your options, for your creations could be put out there. Even in a buyer's market, you can prove yourself to be a pearl beyond price."


I wanna be a bright shiny pearl LMFAO

I'm on a mission

I'm left alone with my thoughts most nights.
My mind racing with terrifying frights.
Intuition hasn't been wrong yet.
I know the real you; you seem to forget.

You want her.
You say you don't
You want her.
You say you don't.

Don't make me fall all over myself wondering why.
You should leave me because of me; not for a sky.
You always deny things when you think it won't work out for you.
I need you to know that I can no longer be your number two.

You want her.
You say you don't.
You want her.
You say you don't.

Just tell me the truth.
I'm not bullet proof.
But I know that I deserve to know.
If I'm not the reason you glow.

Raw

I would never normally admit this, but I cancelled not because I didn't think I could do it. But because I don't think that you thought I was able to.

4 days

I almost went a month without posting on here. Boy oh boy has my life been really nutty. In March I lost a friend of mine. Sabrina Blackie. She lost her battle to Lukeimia. It has been really hard on me, it makes me analyze the people in my life, and makes me think 7 times about what I want to do. Sabrina passed on March 26, 2012 she was only 29. On May 13, 2012 I lost another friend Beth Furedy. An amazing person who was a good friend to me in high school. She was only 26. On May 14th I lost my Grandfather, Harvey Williams. He was 87. His passing was completely unexpected. No pain. Just passed away peacefully which is such a blessing, but that doesnt stop me from missing my Papa with everything in me. 3 people in 2 months. Man. I'm tired of crying.

Deena and I made a promise to each other recently. To live life like we should. Smile more, and laugh more. Take more time away from stress. I'm really trying to do that. Problem is, bills continue to pile on top of us. Day after day I have to find a way to pay for something somehow. I make good money. I really do, but will all the deposits from City of Phoenix water, gas, trash, and sewer I'm paying an extra $500 just on deposits. Sheesh. Can I get a breather folks? I'm really trying to find something that I can do on nights or weekends. Extra cash so that we can take the vacation that we've always dreamed of. Jamaica. Oh boy, how badly we want this. We have 7 months to save $5000. We really want it.

I'm saddened, and happy all at the same time. I feel a presence looking over me, and I am so greatful. But I wish that I would have been a better granddaughter and a better friend. It was hard getting from Phoenix to West Virginia. I'm so lucky that I got to go out there in October. And I'm lucky I got to spend time with my family during this hard time. I can hear a change in my Granny's voice. Almost as if she doesnt know what to do with herself. I'm beside myself when I say that I don't know what to do. I'm the problem solver of the family, and I have no idea how to handle this. How can you tell a woman that after 66 years of marriage that they wont wake up together or eat a hot meal together? She's lonely, and I can hear it. I just hope that I don't lose her too. I have 8 immediate family members. No cousins, no neices or nephews. Just my parents, 1 sister, 2 uncles,  1 aunt, and my Grandmother.

All I want to do is to be able to pick up and leave with Deena to go out there. How great that would be. If anyone knows of a part time position in Phoenix let me know. I'm up for it. I need a change in our lives, immediately.

Sorry for the rant, and this is probably the most information I have ever shared on here, but I need to let it off my chest. I just want to be successful, and I want my family to know that I am here even though I am 2000+ miles away.

The things that bring light in my dark space

Corporate tattooing

I LOVE that I can get tattoos and still look corporate. Sometimes I wish I had a million dollars just to spend on fixing my old jenky tattoos.

I am super excited for a vacation. Well needed and well deserved. I have been up to my eyes in work lately. I need a week of fun in Las Vegas. I think that everyone in their lifetime should be in Vegas for 1 week. It's so fun to be out there that long. The only thing I really have to worry about is Deena blowing all her money in the first day...but I'm going to try to keep her in check. Halllla.

I hope that everyone is having an awesome March! Smile today. Youre a bright, amazing, talented person. Even if you dont know it!

For anyone who needs to hear it.

Jagger Swagger

I bought Deena a matching pink scarf for Christmas. I like purple. Black and purple loves me.

Does ANYONE dress like this? Every single time that I see this pop up I think...Who are they trying to have pay attention to this? Anyone who wears fish fin gloves? Anyone who wears a Jazzercise suit around town? Or is it someone that wears a flashing light for a hat?

I totally love how their are age brackets here too. Why not just say "Any age"? Are you under 18? Or over 18? No need for the age brackets here folks. There really is just no need at all. Unless you are really attempting to attract you 75+ plus crowd. At 75 I would rather retire than try to strike up a new career. Just saying. On any note. I encourage ANYONE to go back to school. However. I do not encourage you to dress like the ladyman on this flyer. No burrito. Halllla

A day in my life

Person: It's on the West side of the building.


Me: Ok, so it should be right over there.

Person: No. It's to your left.

Me: Oh, that would be East then.

Person: Well, I guess it depends on which way you're facing.

Me: ? What?

Toilet Paper holder

I know that I have talked about toilet paper in the past, but I wanted to re-live this one. I used a public restroom recently, and this is what I saw....wow. Talk about a toilet paper holder. Who came up with this? Obviously Magyver. I mean really though. I am super surprised that there isnt a paper clip, can of beans, and baking soda somewhere in here too. Just in case Macgyver needed to make an airplane. Hay-soos people. This is redonkulous. What I love more? There is a fully finctional toilet paper holder UNDER the make shift Macgyver one. A-Mazing.

Let's talk about bookstores

I just want to point out how in retrospect these two should not be this close. The beginning aisle was "Dating" Ok, then "Marriage" Great! Then............"Divorce" WHAAAT?

So why do this? Theory 1 Here are my theories: For people in denial. They are contemplating Divorce. The section is designed to have marriage books close by, that way if you run into your nosey next door neighbor you can pretend you are picking up a book about successful marriages or how to spice things up when they are "already hot."

Theory 2

They are to make people CRAZY. I for one would go absolutely bonkers if I saw this. Maybe I was reaching out. I needed a book to make me feel better about a Divorce. So I find the aisle only to find all the fluffy nice books about marriage and soul mates and blah blah blah. How torturus! I mean really though. I think I would want to push the entire stand over to show my dismay. All the "great memories" of the marriage come flashing back. Then you're filled with this empty feeling because you're there to look at a Divorce book. AWESOME. Nice going Barnes and Noble.

Theory 3

They are distinctively placed their to talk people out of getting married. Maybe you're young. And wanting to make sure that the one is really the one. What's right next door to your fluffy marriage books? Guides to a speedy Divorce. And probably a complimentary coupon on a Lawyer.

I don't know about you, but if I ever see a woman coming out of Barnes and Noble crying, I think it may be because of this. OR the new Harry Potter was sold out. Whatevs. Halllla

New shades

Am I cool yet? Halllla

T Mills

Wow. Went to the Kreayshawn concert and heard T Mills. WOW. This dude is DOPE. I mean wow. Check out his new music. I have some on my playlist. He is amazing. I like a little better than Yelawolf...but shhhh...dont tell anyone that. :) Check him out. I promise he is worth it. I need someone to make me a CD stat! Halllllla

JenniV.Tumblr.com

So, my friend Jenni wanted to know what she would look like as a manly man. Mission accomplished! Take a look at this studly stud muffin! I told her she may get a few lady callers, I mean Lesbi-honest she looks super studrific! <3 you friend! Everyone check out her tumblr for good laughs, and daily thoughts!

Talk that talk

Kiss me like you miss me, Fuck me like you hate me

Verse 1]


She says "kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me

And when you’re fucking someone else just fuck her like she ain't me"

Damn, those words are scary, those words are scary virgin Mary

I just tell her to spare me

I was in love 2 years ago and gave the baggage to my ex

It’s all for her to carry, bags she deserve to carry

I hate that ho, I make it so hard just to talk, don’t I?

I get off topic don’t I? I get it poppin’ don’t I?

I’ll end up stopping won’t I? And by the time I end up stopping

You’ll be rocking one of the rings you pointed out while shopping with a nigga don’t lie

She’s losing it right now, cause if I wasn't who I am, she would've been moving in right now

But instead we're moving slow -- I guess she's used to it by now

And she gives me all her trust and I'm abusing it right now

But this money coming in is just confusing shit right now

You just told me I ain't shit and I guess I'm proving it right now



[Hook]

I say I'd rather be with you but you are not around

So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down

Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone

Half the time we don't end up fucking, I don't ask her for nothing

You leave me in the morning, I don't see her for months

But I just hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone

So she’s here and we're both so gone



[Verse 2]

Hotel to hotel, girl -- I could use your company

Full name and birthday, I book a flight, you come to me

But she don't want a weekend -- she wants all of me or none of me

If she can't work with all of me then she say she done with me

You say that you over me you always end up under me

You know how it goes -- don't be crazy, don't play dumb with me

Don't start with yo shit -- I put you back in yo place

She tells me "I bet you won't, you won't say that to my face"

And hang up yeah, how dare you tell me it's tougher for you

Like I don't hear about the niggas you fucking with, too

And whoever I be with, they got nothing on you

That's just something to do when there's nothing to do

Yeah, but she's losing it right now

She has choices she should make I think she's choosing it right now

One more chance to make it right, I think I'm using it right now

You just said I never learn I guess I'm proving it right now

Tattoos

I need new tattoos. Better yet...a cover up. Look at my right arm. Faded Chinese symbols. I need a new one. Although I realize this takes money. So I guess this post should be about needing money right? Who couldn't use more money? Besides Bill Gates. Jeez. Can I invent something cool please? Something innovative? Something necessary? Something profitable? End of rant session.

Anywho. Anyone know any tattoo artists in Phoenix who have mad skills and want a lifetime loyal customer hit me up via email. Hanemaayer1022@yahoo.com please and thank you mucho! Halllla

Swagnificent

Good gravy lady. I have not been on here since I left for WV. I should have some pictures to post from my trip. Until then I will leave you with the one that I took last night. I hit up the town (Ross, and Fry's grocery) last night and wanted to do it BIG. nah. Not really. I just remember all the busted people I see that I know, and I didn't want that busted person to be me last night. I haven't kept up with my game lately. That's over now. I have returned. Thank you. No applause needed. Just <3 and Support. Have a Swagnificent day!

Enjoy the Silence

I will be gone to West Virginia from Thursday until next Saturday. I am going to see my Grandparents. They haven't seen me in 10 years. We will be in the sticks. No mansland. Basically cut off from all services that I am used to. (FB, tumblr, cell service) My sister and Mother are out there now. My grandparents have no idea that I will be coming. I hope that they enjoy this surprise.


I will be touching down in a ton of major cities throughout my Red eye flight. Lots of stops. :/ It will be an experience for sure. If anything happens to me, I want the world to know 5 things:


1-I am not perfect. I make a hundred million mistakes on the daily.

2-I love music, and wished now that I would have locked my hair up and riddled myself with tattoos.

3-I love Jesus.

4-I really enjoy writing. I'm traveling with a notebook. It has all my secrets in it.

5-If I could do anything over in life, it would be my relationship. I'm so sad that things didn't work out. And if you don't know that I am madly in love with you, then I don't know what to say. I would die for you. Honestly truly. I miss you. Forever.

Swag

I got 99 problems, but my sway aint one. When Deena and I went to Vegas we stopped at one of the little shops in the outlets. They had some T's that we liked, so Deena took these home and ripped them up for me. They look good. She took this photo last night when we were having a coca cola bottle movie night. Good times. I miss her. Even though she is next to me, I only hope that the future still sees us together. I don't want to lose her. She is the best thing.

Incendies Letters

Incendies is an Independent film that came out in 2010. It's about a Mother who passed on, and left letters behind for her children. In order for the children to receive the letters, they had to go on a quest to find the meaning behind their lives. Very intruiging and touching film.

This movie has inspired me to write letters. Thursday evening I am venturing across the country to see my Grandparents, Aunt, and Uncle for the first time in 10 years. I've had a ton going on in my life. Between moving out of our condo, and making a million life changes; I fear that the Break up between Deena and I may be permanent. I think that she knows that I love her. At least she tells me that she does.

I want to write letters. To her, and to my family. In the event that something happens to me; I want her to know what I feel and why. I want her to know that I am sorry for all of the things that went wrong, and all of the things that made her upset.

I don't often share my feelings like this. Forgive me this once. But if you have ever lost someone due to you. Due to stupid mistakes, then I bet you will understand what I'm feeling. I can't lose her. She is the only woman that I want to have children with, the only woman I want to make a home with. The only woman that I want to eat dinner with everyday. The only woman I want to go to Vegas with. The only woman who I want to make love to. The only woman I want to tell about my day. Life seems to empty without those thoughts. They are empty without those thoughts.

I wish I could stop crying about it. It seems that I can't go a day without beating myself up. This isn't healthy. I've never done this before. I've never felt like this before, and that scares me the most. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that nothing will ever be the same. Look for a letter if anything ever happens to me. If you weren't sure if I loved you then, you will know now.

Out.

Coco Swollen

Poor little Coco got into something that made her wittle face swell. Thank you Benadryl. I freaked out, and didnt even notice it until she tried to lick me. I couldnt believe how her little face had swollen up so big. I grabbed her, and took her straight to Deena who told me to get a Benadryl in her asap. Luckily this did the trick. Her wittle face returned to a normal Chiuhuahua size. It was kinda cute. Oh how I love you Coco.

...

i feel like im watching my life crumble into pieces right before my eyes

Coco the baby Deer/Dog

I swear. she is the reason I want to rub bellies in the morning. Thanks for being cute coco bear deer.

Junior and Mia

2 peas in a pod. I'm so grateful that you look after my Dad now. I think that this makes him a lot less lonely. Boy does he love you two.

Free Mercury game from Fry's Grocery

Free Mercury game from Fry's grocery? Halllla! Last night was awesome. I took my 16 foot receipt into US Airways and scored 2 seats to a Mercury VS Minnesota game. Mercury won (Big halllla) and on an even better note I got to see some awesome people. Jamie was there with her parents (which whom I absolutely adore), Sabrina (Biff), and Monica. They invited Sirena and I to their suite where we sat in comfort for the last half of the game. Overall it was an awesome night. A much needed fun night. Sirena and I often talk about having "dude night" Which means us watching the latest Harry Potter movie, or catching a happy hour somewhere. We don't get too very often, so this was a nice treat for the both of us.

On top of everything I got to see good people whom I love and respect. Thank you Fry's for the free game, and thank you Jesus for letting me alive. Halllllalujer

What women really talk about

Jenni [9:18 AM]:

Being a girl is crazy. Boys can’t possibly imagine what it feels like to have crazy hormones running through your body. And you KNOW somewhere deep inside that you’re crazy and that you’re being a crazy hormonal chick and a little voice inside you whispers…

“This isn’t real”….

but you still want to murder people. You even want to murder that little annoying voice inside you telling you to calm down and stop acting like sociopath. And then you want to smear the blood of your stupid inside little voice on your cheeks like a wild aborigine and DARE someone else to mess with you.

Jenni [9:18 AM]:

Too much?

And then there is wanting to cry every time someone wrongs me. Like this morning when a car cut in front of me on the road. The light turned red allowing them to go at the last minute while I was forced to stay behind. And in that moment, I swear to you, that person ruined my life. My life was over in that moment as I shook with rage with my sanity’s blood smeared on my cheek.

Louisa [9:18 AM]:

Oh my Jennay

Jenni [9:19 AM]:

hahah

Jenni [9:19 AM]:

What’s wrong with me!

Louisa [9:19 AM]:

you’re a woman

Louisa [9:19 AM]:

that’s what’s wrong with all of us

Jenni [9:19 AM]:

Luckily I had the wherewithall not to post that on my tumblr

Jenni [9:19 AM]:

But I had to share it with someone

Louisa [9:19 AM]:

lol

Louisa [9:19 AM]:

I LOVE it

Louisa [9:20 AM]:

I think that it is not only well written but a completely accuracte depiction of the hormonal rage that lives inside each and every woman.

Louisa [9:20 AM]:

I say post it. Then we will get clip boards and collect signatures for something womanly.

Jenni [9:20 AM]:

Do you think people will be alarmed?

Jenni [9:20 AM]:

do you think people will be afraid? hahah

Louisa [9:20 AM]:

yes

Louisa [9:20 AM]:

but that’s the best part

Louisa [9:21 AM]:

it’s unexpected

Louisa [9:21 AM]:

think of the LIVES that you will change.

Louisa [9:22 AM]:

There are plenty of men out there who have no idea of the bloody rage that lives inside a small, sometimes insignificant action. This could be informing.

Jenni [9:22 AM]:

Hahahaha, I will do it for the women!

Jenni [9:22 AM]:

For the sad, clueless men!

Louisa [9:22 AM]:

LOL

Jenni [9:22 AM]:

For the children of the crazy mothers!

Louisa [9:22 AM]:

PREACH



Yup. This conversation happened. I heart Jennnay! I truly hope that somehow that guy that cut her off this morning gets wind of this blog. I would pay. Maybe Jenni got his license plate number. Hallla

Just So I'm understood

I have totally lost touch with new music. This makes me sad. I have no time at work to research all my favorite sites in search of the newest and most amazing music. Boooooooo. Ah, job security. I love it. I shouldn't complain. I would like a new laptop though. Think someone would take 2 REALLY old and broken ones for half off a new one? Yeah. I wouldnt either.

Either way I need to find a way to keep my phone from dying. I mean holy cow. An 8 hour day and my phone is as dead as a doornail. Sucks, but it's a small price to pay to have the internet at my beckon call. My old phone would take 5+ minutes just to sign into FB.

Speaking of FB. It has slowly become all the things that I disliked about myspace. Another boooo for FB. If I didn't have people on there that I love I would delete it. I'm not for putting all my biz-nass out there like most lesbos do. No one needs to know my personal business. So many people put it all out there for everyone to see.

For instance:

"Just got a tummy tuck. Man I look good! Time for some bikini pics once my bruising dies down!"

Really?-I mean I get that you're proud of how you look, but does EVERYONE really need to know about how you recently had skin tucked so that you weren't so subconcious about your appearance?

How about this one:

"F---ing B----! I can't believe my soon to be EX gf really thinks she can treat me like this!" Sent 3 minutes ago.

" I love her so much. She's the sweetest woman I have ever know. I love you pookie" Sent 32 seconds ago.

Really? NO ONE needs to know about your bi-polar roller-coaster.

Can you tell I like to hyphenate? It's because I write words the way that I would say them. My apologies. I promise I'm not an idiot. Most days.

Case and Point. If you want to share your bi-polar roller-coaster with the world that is your business. Just not my cup of tea. I just don't need to know alllllla that. Halla. Thanks FB you are the NEW myspace.

Jerks.

BTW

Vote Coco for cutest dog of the day. Where is the contest being held you say? I dunno. Just vote darn-it! ;)

I'm taking some time

I am taking some time out of my ridiculously busy day to blog for a moment. I miss the days that I could do this on a daily basis and blog about all the ridiculous things that I had done that day. Sigh. Working hard is good (job stability), but is bad too (no friggin fun).

So...without further "A-Dew" I made pancakes last night. I have been on a banana pancake movement. The last few weeks I have mixed in banana with my pancake batter. It's so delicious I could eat it all the time. Which is exactly what I did last night. I made banana pancakes. Holler.

I have never been good at making the BIG pancakes that are bigger than your face. I have always struggled with flipping them over. So I make the bitsy pancakes. They are small, easy to manage, and have the tendency to make people say "Awwww, they're cute." Yes, I know Pancakes can too be cute. (See below)

So anywho. That is my random blog for the day. I hope that I have one everyday for the next 365 days minimally. Thanks for playing. Have a Super Wednesday!

October

I will do any and everything to come see you. I promise that. I love you Papa.

Things that I miss

The View from my 16th story condo...and the smell of you cooking in 2010.

Why I USED to like going to the Casino

Why won't I go anymore? Because it hurts.

Ever hear of Co-Nex?

I think this was the only appropriate picture I could post there for my office. I dont think they would appreciate my tooth brushing pics. Hallla

Coco

I think she likes the Lion King too!

Last night

I had a profound realization that I look nothing like I used to. Granted I don't talk, act, or think the same, but I have gained some major weight over the last 8 years. This May was the 8th year anniversary of graduating high school. Holy cow! 8 years is a long time. Then I realize that I am not getting any younger, and the older I get the more unmotivated I am to make tough changes in my life.

So what did I do? I shadow boxed in my bedroom at 1am because I couldnt sleep. So this is what I envisioned myself to look like:

And this is more like what I ACTUALLY looked like:

I was so tired when it was all said and done that I literally sat on the floor in my room and drank water. No worries. No Krispy Kreme bag full of donuts was around. :)

I also did some crazy situps. I wanted to feel the burn again. I got one. After like 2. I think that means that my body is super angry that I waited this long to do a situp. Booooooo. I want to find my shake weight too. Man that thing is powerful! About 30 seconds in my arms want to detach from my body and lay in bed. It's an intense work out for your upper torso.

Neither here nor there I am going to start taking the time to walk Coco more. Take her out and about which will give me an excuse to walk fast or possibly jog a bit. Either way I am going to change my habits. No more soda. No more high calorie juices or drinks. Or foods for that matter. I have even considered taking the HCG shots this time around. Not sure what will come of this though. Either way it's happening. I found my motivation and I'm holding on for dear life.

Pray for me. I will need it.

Hallelujer!